


Dial 1800 for Ferelden Counseling Services

by Reyavie



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-05-26
Updated: 2015-03-17
Packaged: 2017-11-06 01:53:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/413420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reyavie/pseuds/Reyavie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And be attended by your very own Warden-Commander Aedan Cousland and All-Powerful Old God Urthemiel. Ask them anything, poke and prod at your own descrition and, most importantly, remember we lack insurance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. We are NOT adorable, thank you

_Seriously, Warden. How can this be a good idea?_

_How can it not be? We receive letters, we reply here! Better than have people chasing us down the streets all the time. Or imagining. Have you read the things they imagine all the time? I can't keep track of how many times I killed you in writing! Or been killed. Or... disturbing things._

_It's your funeral._

_If you think it's such a bad idea, why are you here? With a pen on your hands...erhg. Huh. Claws._

_It's another way to tear a new one into people. And I'm sick of being killed or described as a corrupted disgusting bastard._

_Which you are, Urthemiel._

_Not the point._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Warden Cousland,

I would like very much if you spare the time to hear my counsel and avoid the mage you invite to your tent constantly. As you know, it is beginning to affect your development and I am sure it is one of the reasons why you addressed the Archdemon as 'the only bloody logical being this side of Thedas, get out of my tent, I'm naked'.

Next time, make sure to be dressed upon my arrival.

Wynne, Senior Enchanter of the Circle of Ferelden.

* * *

Dearest Wynne,

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Dearest? Are you serious?_

_Not really._

_Then why use it, you silly brat? It's not like she doesn't know you're lying. You're a lousy liar. You huff and puff and._

… _stop bashing down the forth wall, you picky bastard._

_**xxxXXXxxx** _

Not-So-Dearest Wynne,

Before addressing your peculiar and disturbing sort of curiosity concerning my love life, I believe we should address something else. Like the fact that you are an abomination. Yes, oh-so-wise lady of the Ferelden Circle of Magi, saying 'yes' to a spirit is just as messed up as saying 'yes' to a demon because, strangely enough, _both possess you_. Just ask Anders. Wait, no, because if you do you might join forces and I don't need something else going up in flames. Like my Keep. That said, please stop meddling in everyone's life because you're dead and that surely shows you haven't done the best choices concerning yours.

Next time, stop staring at my bod, you perverted old woman. It's awesome and good looking, I know, but, quite frankly, you're just creepy.

Aedan Cousland, Commander of the Grey

P.S – I'm pretty sure I'll do Morrigan as much times as her witchy little mind allows me to. Kindly do not watch. My performance is nice but it freaks her out and a freaked out Morrigan is an unhappy Morrigan which means bad things for my little friend.

**xxxXXXxxx**

My dearest Warden,

I was wondering if you would require aid to keep your lady entertained. The noises from your corner of the camp end disturbingly early in the night.

Zevran.

* * *

Dear Zevran,

Disturbing is you keeping track of that! What's with you people and obsessing over my love life?

Aedan

**xxxXXXxxx**

_In his defense, he was asking about your sex life, not love life._

_Dude, shut up._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Boss,

Why you helping Warden?

Assorted Spawn.

* * *

Spawn,

He can construct a complete sentence.

Urthemiel

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dearest Enaid,

We have been informed that you believe us to be 'adorable'. While I am definitely hot and Urthemiel is definitely big and scaly and that can be considered very eye-catching, we are not, in fact, adorable. I kill things for a living. He spends his time calling out to every tainted creature to produce more tainted creatures so the whole world explodes in amazing scenes of action and death. We nearly hugged (please, notice the nearly) simply because the author has chosen to stuck us with people who seemed to have lost their complete faculty to use sense. Strength in numbers and everything.

Now, remember. I _hot_ , he _big, scaly, fierce_.

Don't make us find your house. Because we can.

Respectfully,

Aedan

P.S – Where is my tea, woman?

Urthemiel

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Aedan,

Where in the Maker's name are you, why did you leave me behind and why is Leliana harping about my eyelashes and how she wants to keep them in jars? I swear to Andraste, if you don't get yourself back I'll… I'll. Ah come on, man, don't make me beg. Eamon's after me to get married, Anora's after me (or my neck, I can't be sure) and Leliana's just. Please?

Alistair, Warden (and King of Ferelden, I suppose)

* * *

Dear Alistair,

Aedan would love to reply but he's currently avoiding you. Why? Because Anora seems to be after him (and not just his neck) and so does Eamon but for different reasons. Now, to get rid of your little problems. I would suggest you to choose someone and get hitched. It's not like you can't keep someone on the side. Being faithful? That's not for a King! Remember your brother? He was totally sweet on Celene, even sent her flowers, used shackles, enjoyed a good whipping. I don't know if you're into the kinky stuff but normal is all accepted.

Your Warden brother says he'll borrow you his leather pants. He looks a killer in them but he'll make this sacrifice for the good of Ferelden. No magic to memorize the moment will be used, of course not.

Now, to get rid of the last issues. I advise you to just kill Anora once and for all. Or, at least, give her to Danarius as a slave. Don't know who the guy is? _Search_ , I am not going to do everything for you.

Finally, ship the Leliana girl off to the Divine, make sure to include a small note about her not-so-sister-of-the-Chantry like behavior. I have in good authority that the Divine would be very grateful for someone who works with just a pat on the head as reward. Who knows? She might allow you to rule with no Exalted March or asking just why you went ahead and killed the hero of River Dane without so much as a note.

Also. Stop whining.

Urthemiel, Archdemon (and The One Who Haunts Your Dreams)

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Why does this seem like a sex line instead of counseling?_

_Because you wrote almost all of it, Warden._

_Any questions, requests for advice or offer of virgins (or not so virgins, I'm not picky :D), please address mail to_ warden. plus. dragon. equals. this. stuff. (at) ferelden. da _  
_


	2. How about a lapdance, my dears?

_Told you it was a good idea. They adored us._

_They didn't adore us, Warden. They just thought it was a good idea to dump all their small doubts and weird questions instead of stalking. And they adored me._

_They were curious about you. After all, you're supposed to be insane and out for their little behinds._

_I also come with nice scales, taste and no taint as entrance fee. That counts for something._

_Sure it does. But 99% of the times? I'm the one breathing and hailed as hero by the end of the game._

… _they still liked me more. And size does count, little Warden._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Old God Dragon,

Think you might have a bit of a word to your Cultists? They're making 'Blood Mage' look good as a respectable occupation and I am now no longer cool.

Yours,

Jowan

* * *

Jowan,

They aren't _my_ Cultists. My Cultists are all dead and buried. The ones who are currently wandering around are a female dragon's Cultists and you don't mess with those. Why? Because they are mindless, big and wear the pants in any relationship. Why don't I do anything about it? You all killed _my_ Cultists. I couldn't care less about your bad career choices.

And you couldn't look cool even if you dropped yourself into half-frozen lake. You're balding.

By the way. What's this about _old_ , you cretin? Call me that again and I'm turning you into a pigtailed five year old girl until you realize calling a super powerful God _old_ is just plain dumb.

Urthemiel.

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Why didn't you get this one killed, Warden?_

_I understand the urge to murder Eamon. I battle it every time I meet the guy._

_So why didn't you do it?_

_Do you know any better punishment than being forced to live with Isolde?_

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear God Baby,

*I* am your Father.

King Alistair Theirin of Ferelden  
(Formerly Warden Alistair - thanks for nuthin' Cousland)

P.S. – No, you may not have the keys to the carriage this Friday night. Curfew is still 9:00pm.

* * *

Pseudo-dad,

In this Universe, you didn't get to tap Morrigan. And the sheer idea you managed in another world makes my skin itch.

Frankly, I just don't like you.

Urthemiel, Astonishing God

P.S – Anytime, Alistair. What would you have done with all the free time? You might *gasp* have fun.

Aedan Cousland, The Person Who Got to Remain an Amazing Warden

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Does this mean *I* am your dad?_

_No._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Aedan,

Just to let you know I'm wearing the 'special' nightdress tonight. The one recommended by the Vampyres Association of Ferelden. *You* know the one (inked wink).

Yours in Anticipation,

Anora-ble

* * *

Anora,

I refuse to call you Anora-ble. The only thing less adorable than you is Wynne (by a very close call, granted) and topped by any and every darkspawn, Broodmother and ghoul I've ever encountered. I don't know in how many different ways I can tell you to keep away from me. I am a Warden. I am not going to have power or become a King. Most importantly, I am not going to sleep with the daughter of the guy I sort of killed. And no, *I* don't know the one. Also. Sleeping next to you would require a blade underneath the pillow and I like not being in danger, at least, five hours per day.

If you keep this, I'll let Morrigan do whatever she wants with you. Last night, it involved chains, anvils and a deep dark cliff. You have been warned.

Cousland

P.S. – Are you seriously wandering around the castle in that? I need to warn Oghren. There are tastes for everything and he tastes pretty much everything that moves.

**xxxXXXxxx**

To The Commander of the Grey, Ferelden

On behalf of our brethren, we wish to confer our most heartful thanks and gratitude for your support in our most just cause. The imbibing of blood products by our chartered members has up to this point been much (and most unfairly) maligned by the general public. This includes the ravishing of nightgown-clad maidens by moonlight, transformation into Chiroptera and the wearing of blackened garments sharpened dentition.

If convenient to you I and some of our members would like to arrange a mutually convenient time to discuss the possibility of product placement, as acknowledgement of the contribution the Order of the Grey has made to our cause.

I look forward to hearing from you,  
Yours Eternally,  
Count Drac Hoola XVII

* * *

To the esteemed Count Drac Hoola XVII,

We drink blood _once_ every thirty years and definitely not because we hunger for it. Therefore, I'll have to decline the association with creatures who are descripted in recent media as 'sparkling'. Bad for the business and we're manly man. Not pansies who yelp instead of growling.

By the way, you do know that literally eating nightgown-clad maidens is plain wasteful, right? In fact, feel free to send them my way before you get your sharp little teeth in them. I'm all for recycling.

Greetings,

Aedan Cousland. Commander of the Grey of Ferelden.

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dearest Aedan and Urthemiel,

My address is on the envelope. I'll leave the light on the porch for you.

You are undeniably hot, but in fairness Urthemiel is as well. Being a dragon and all. My fond presumption is that Aedan is himself big in turn, but I must respectfully defer to Morrigan's judgment in that area.

The kettle is on the stove. Chamomile, no milk, with honey, correct? I have sage, orange blossom and tupelo.

Enaid Aderyn

* * *

Dearest Enaid,

While you seem to be amazing in several levels (especially when it comes to proper worship of myself), I must correct you in one thing. Aedan is not big. He is, in fact, just acceptable. We must not mention this in public, however, since Wardens must be seen at all times as big and amazing people. A shame but appearances are important. I will be by the house later on, save me a blanket.

Yours,

Urthemiel

P.S – Yes, when compared to a bloody dragon, I am small. But that just means I can have sex with a female without being accused of smashing her to bits, you great lug :D

Morrigan is free for testimonies once I convince it's actually necessary and not another demand of my overgrown ego.

Aedan

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Aedan,

WHY AM I DREAMING ABOUT THE ARCHDEMON?

WAIT. THAT'S THE NOT THE RIGHT QUESTION.

WHY IS HE LAPDANCING ON SOMEONE?

Maker. Maker, is that _underwear_?

Yours, in horrified trance,

Alistair

* * *

Dear Alistair,

You think dreaming about it is bad? You should be forced to see it live. Only way that guy makes sequins look hot is by setting them on fire. And the tiger print, dear Maker. I hadn't seen anything so horrifying since that deal with father Kolgrim and the I-don't-believe-he's-wearing-that-in-the-snow thing.

Shakespira has some messed up taste, let me tell you.

Anyway, stop moaning about underwear and get drunk. It'd be worse if he danced without it.

Yours,

Aedan

**xxxXXXxxx**

_That's actually a good id..._

_Don't you freaking_ dare _. I will end you._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear ChampTheWonderSnail,

Or Champ, I find your name to be incredibly long to be constantly writing it all. I would like to, first of all, thank you ever so much for forwarding the extreme amount of whining you did. I am so grateful that I don't even feel like burning down your house or anything. Just your city.

I expect a carefully written letter with proper adulation and offer of copious amounts of raw meat.

Urthemiel

**xxxXXXxxx**

Warden,

I find this to be a ridiculous waste of your time. You should be fighting, not making jokes.

Sten

* * *

Sten,

I never heard what you said while on a Blight. What makes you think I will after you tried to attack me, the Blight is over and you're in another country?

Yeah, I thought so too.

Warden

P.S – And that last night with Jenna? Brenna? The chick from the Pearl. If that was productive, excuse me while I'll go accept Anora's advances.

**xxxXXXxxx**

_You do realize he has a little boy now?_

…

_Idiot._

**xxxXXXxxx**

DEAR STEN,

IGNORE LAST MESSAGE.

WARDEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very public thank you to Enaid, Champ (Drac Hoola XVII, Jowan and Anora) and Shakespira for their contributions. Aedan and Urthemiel are extremely grateful. So much that there might not be mass destruction once they are released from this chapter.
> 
> Same channel, same universe. Stay tuned.


	3. And speaking of influencing children

_We're supposed to say Merry Christmas. Now, I have no idea what this is supposed to be or why you're supposed to be merry but._

_Overthinking, Warden._

_I don't think enough to overthink._

_.. that's actually... true?_

_I believe in ending the year with a healthy dose of honesty. Maker looks kindly on it.  
_

_Which is why he made you into a Warden._

_...I don't like you.  
_

_I like me enough. In my name and that of the Team 1800 (including our very crabby secretary), we wish you a belated Merry Christmas and a pleasant New Year._

_Now back to what's important._

_Us._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Boss,

Arkytekt keeps calling. Told him you still in toilet and he gave me stink-eye. Think he guesses you shining him off. Orders?  
Randum Spawn

* * *

Spawn,

Kill him. And next time you think about writing something like this? Kill yourself too. Don't want you to breed more stupidity into Thedas. Howe is enough.

Urthemiel

**xxxXXXxxx**

_I hope you didn't teach them yourself. Because if you did._

_I blame Dumat. 'Oh, let's get them to invade that prissy little bastard's place. What's the worst that can happen? We can go party on Golden City after!' Little bitch._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Urthemiel,

I would like to know why Ser Cauthrien was so much harder to defeat than you were. I mean, you're a great big dragon with all sorts of claws and teeth and scales and assorted pointy bits. She's just a squishy, soft, meaty niblet in some tin plating. Yet, she kicked my ass halfway to Sunday more times than I can count, while I polished you off on the very first try. Are you an imposter? Is Cauthrien the real Archdemon?

Yours sincerely,

Suilven

* * *

Suilven,

No, my dear. She is not an Archdemon. She is, however, a female (somewhat repressed but we all know how females can run a show into the ground), oddly deluded (very constipated) and lacking most common sense. That would make anyone into a particularly dangerous and messed up individual. Imagine a donkey with those cover like things in its eyes. Only sees forward, never to the sides. Now, to why she isn't an Archdemon.

I was fighting against an _army_ , she was fighting against four bums. My armies were _distracted_ with said armies, her group was very focused on sticking arrows down people's throats. I am awesome, she is _not_.

Repeat after me. Urthemiel is the Archdemon and I shall adore him in an appropriate manner without ever confusing him with a would-be annoying she-dragon who would obey a man twice her age if he told her to jump off a cliff. Repeat it one hundred times.

I'm sorry but punishment must be dealt with. Notice that I'm keeping my wrath to non-lightning involved events.

Yours,

Urthemiel (The One and Only True Archdemon in the Dragon Age)

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Cover like things?_

_Do you know what I call my left claw? Then don't expect me to know what you humans call every little thing._

… _do you really have a name for that?_

_The point. It flew right by you._

**xxxXXXXxxx**

Bestest dearest awesomest Aedan,

Bark. Barkbarkbarkbarkbark. Barkbarkbark barkbarkbark. Barkbarkbark. Bark?

signed:

[muddy paw print]

P.S.

Barkbark bark bark!

* * *

Dear Dane,

That's my boy, that's my cute widdle baby boy. You keep those people all in line, will you? Sigrun to Amaranthine, Nathaniel to the Pearl before he spontaneously combusts, Oghren out of the Keep before my ale evaporates, don't forget Varel's not supposed to get into the women's area and your Satinalia gift is under my bed. Don't wake Morrigan, she'll hunt you down and eat you and I love you too much for that.

Yes. You can keep her boots. Don't tell her I said so.

P.S.

Miss you too, boy. Get a ride here with one of Urthemiel's beasts.

**xxxXXXxxx**

_You're cooing. You're actually cooing._

_Your servants give themselves to eat to their future mother so they can do more of their creepy little clones. What's more disturbing?_

…

_Damn right, old man._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Aedan,

I think there's a Templar who's been trying to kill me. He follows me everywhere with shrewd eyes and mumbles about how demons take over when he least expect it.

Help!

Respectfully,

Connor Guerrin

* * *

Dear Connor,

Grab a dagger. That's a good beginning. Pointy end first and don't worry about all the gushing blood. Keep at it until the weirdo stops moving. Blame everything on the addled-brain-guy named Carol or something.

Who's your favorite would-be uncle? Who is?

Greetings,

Aedan Cousland

**xxxXXXxxx**

_I'm suddenly excessively happy I'm not your kid.  
_

_You got agree it's a practical advice and probably the best he has heard from either of his parents. 'Hide your magic, dear' and 'you'll be an amazing Arl', tch. I say let the kid play with matches and do whatever he wants. Be a real man._

_I rest my case._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Aedan Cousland,

It had come to my attention you are, in fact, a blood mage and consort with corrupt creatures which are an abomination to the world of the Maker. You are given two days to confess and surrender to the nearest Chantry.

Meredith of Kirkwall, Knight-Commander

* * *

Knight-Commander,

It has come to my attention that you are, in fact, insane. Don't write me again.

Aedan Cousland, Warden-Commander

**xxxXXXxxx**

Aedan,

I heard from Hawke you're supposed to be a mage? How come I didn't know about that? You could have helped me. You could help us, the presence of someone as important as a mage, that would be a great help for the magic community in the city. Write fast, I want to know just how you will intervene in Kirkwall.

Your friend,

Anders

* * *

Anders,

Forgetting I am incredibly pissed at you for allowing yourself to be possessed when every bloody mage should know saying 'no' is the way to go (shut up, I didn't mean that to rhyme that pathetically and I mean, it's NO. How hard it is to say NO? Everyone dies after they say yes or end up as giant walking blob. SAY NO. I should make this into a Ferelden-Wide Campaing. 'The Virtues of Saying No'), I will reply to you.

_I AM NOT A MAGE, YOU MAKER-FORSAKEN IDIOT._

Your boss,

Aedan

P.S - You idiot.

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Who started that bloody rumor?_

…

_You didn't._

_Of course not._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Ser Urthemiel,

I find myself in possession of the enclosed message and accompanying illustration which would appear to be directed to you. As I'm fairly certain I would also be possessing a Sword of Mercy up my arse in short order if these were to come to the attention of my colleagues, I have forwarded them to you and kept no copies.

Sincerely,

FPHA, Esq,

[enclosure]

Heyyy, dude! It's Raz.! Long time no see, dra'. I just, like, bumped into this little mage dude in the Fade so I totally took over his body. Pretty awesome, huh? What's up? Last thing I remember we were doing body sacraments off a half dozen sweet young things at one of your majorly awesome parties and you were doing your trademark hoochie-kootchie fertility flap. Here, I'll make the little mage dude paint it. Ha - good times, am I right? Dude, I am still so hungover! I'm gonna just nap for a century or so - the little mage dude is getting all twitchy anyway. Peace out, dra'!

P.S. Hey, have you seen my temple? I could've sworn I left it here somewhere . . .

(attachment); h t t p : / / i863. photobucket. com /albums / ab193 / dragonnagan / DA%20O / ADPartyweb . jpg

* * *

Dear Razikale,

By the love of everything, man. Would you mind to write a sentence without the use of 'like' every couple of words? It gives me a migraine just to try and read it. Kindly, don't do it again or I'll come by to strap your behind to something warm. Like Caradin and down that volcano.

Ditch the mage, there's a war going on and mages are cannon fodder. With your best interests in mind, I have included you in a party ready to depart to Antiva. I have in good authority (the elf that's always attached to Cousland) that the last individuals sent there to be free of addictions to oddly colored lyrium (some crazy dwarf who went around eating people and a red rock shaped woman) are doing remarkable progress. No more drooling. Think about it.

Your Temple has been burnt a little by fanatic Andrastians but nothing a good paint job can't fix. Contact Haven for proper workforce, make sure to pretend you're a woman. Knowing you, it won't be hard. You always did like silk sheets.

Now, as I have been so kind and gentle with you (which, you have to admit, doesn't happen often), perhaps you would burn all of those pictures? I am trying to cultivate the proper educated and dignified image of a God and being shown wasted in interesting clothing might not help.

Yours,

Urthemiel.

P.S. – Before that century nap though, Lusacan and I are hitting up Chora's Den. Get yourself here in more or less twenty.

P.P.S. – Leave the camera home or I'm sicking my Warden on you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, we are incredibly grateful to Enaid (Randum Spawn, Razikale and Dog) and Suilven for their contributions. The Powerful Members Behind This Thing will keep note of your names for future reference. And thank you to everyone who has reviewed and/or lurked.
> 
> Letters to either Urthemiel or Aedan should be sent through PMs.
> 
> Until the next time.


	4. What's wrong with you women? And Howes?

_This week's correspondence is._

_Odd. Odder than usual. Odd on the brain-breaking scale. Odder than a clean Oghren. Odder than._

_I believe everyone understood already, Warden._

_Just. What is_ wrong _with you people?_

**xxxXXXxxx**

Warden Commander:

Little to report as regards spawn activity. A minor incident last week when your Mabari insisted I follow him to the Denerim docks. At first it seemed as though he was trying to get me to go into the Pearl, which of course is patently ridiculous. I then realized he was telling me something had happened *behind* the whorehouse. Upon investigation - difficult as the dog was so eager to assist he impeded my progress - I discovered a child had fallen down a well in the back alley. Kudos to your Mabari, although he was over-excited enough as to bite me rather severely when I leaned over to look into the well.

Regards,

Nathaniel Howe, Warden

* * *

Bestest, dearest, awesomest Aedan,

Whine whine. Grrrr. Whine.

signed:

[muddy paw print]

**xxxXXXxxx**

_I would stop hitting your forehead like that._

_Why. Only. Idiots. Why. Why._

_It's bleeding and… ah, forget it._

**xxxXXXxxxx**

Dear Dane,

Sorry, boy. I forgot that idiot wouldn't know what to do with a woman unless I left precise instructions. I'll never do that mistake again. I booked you a month on Fergus' place, plenty of time to rest and good food. Relax and contain the urge to bit something off him. I can't find another good archer who's willing to work for free.

Before leaving, push him *inside* the Pearl, please.

Aedan

* * *

Dearest Sanga,

In consequence of the wonderful job you did with Jowan, I'm sending you another moron. Doesn't have a clue about birds, bees and libido; it's very sad. Take care of it for me, yes? By any means necessary.

Aedan

* * *

Warden Howe,

Thank you for proving me, once again, that my Mabari's the most intelligent being on that Keep.

Meet Sanga. Say I sent you. Discard clothing. In and out, nothing to it.

I expect you in the Keep in a week, hopefully without that large something that took permanent residence in your backside.

Greetings,

Aedan Cousland

P.S – You and Anders? Freaking idiots.

**xxxXXXxxx**

Urthemiel,

While I don't believe in you nor do I care for your existence except for when trying to kill us all, I need your assistance. I seem to have misplaced my Creators. Would you indicate me the right direction to their divine presence?

Zathrian

* * *

Zathrian,

We're a counseling service not a dragon slash human GPS. And if you don't believe in something you can see (i.e., me) but believe in 'Creators', there's something very wrong with you. Bar the whole kill-turn-humans thing you have going. Do I detect anger management issues? _That_ would be appropriate for this line.

If, of course, future messages with your name attached wouldn't mysteriously combust into flames. Oops.

Urthemiel

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear brother,

I have been following up your adventures on that world, makes me wish I had the time to join you. Highever's consuming all my free time. Even playing soccer with the boys has been left for after killing the amount of paperwork that keeps breeding on my desk. But that's fine, that's easy to deal with. What is consuming me is a marriage proposal I received last week. Do you, by any chance, know a Leliana? I'm not sure I do. And that's not even the problem; the problem is that I don't wish to marry. I already have an heir and a political marriage is not on my plans.

Help your brother out, will you?

Love,

Fergus

* * *

Dear big brother,

While you have an amazing and all around awesome heir, he is also rather sterile and on a time-frame to kick the bucket. Might want to keep that in mind before saying no to a marriage. Other than that, no, got no clue who she is, none whatsoever. But she sounds nice?

Sorry, bro.

Love,

Aedan

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Were you not the one to tell her Fergus was interested?_

_I would_ never _._

_Warden…_

… _fine! He said I should get married! Married! I don't do marriage! He can't make me. So see how you like it, big brother!_

_You are a bastard, Cousland._

_Bet he'll wish I was :D_

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Urthemiel,

I couldn't help noticing the impressive size of your... package in that picture. I find myself spending endless days dreaming of removing those leopard-print smallclothes of yours using naught but my teeth. Are you spoken for? Please, tell me you are not. I am, unfortunately, married, but my husband is often away and no longer excites me as he did in his youth. Frankly, I wish he would shave off that damn beard-but, I digress. Should you desire a discrete dalliance with a passionate (and oh, so naughty), Orlesian lover, please send a response back with this courier. I await your letter with breathless anticipation.

Dreaming of only you,

Lady Isolde

P.S - I hope you enjoy the picture of myself that I've enclosed. Since I've seen you in your underwear, I thought it only fair that you see me in mine.

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Now whose forehead is bleeding?_

_Shut up._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Isolde,

While I do understand your plight over Eamon (who is, let's be frank, a saggy old man), the only way for me to think of you as an attractive woman would include no more females on Earth, permanent blindness/deafness and the occasional bout of dementia.

Therefore. _No_ , thank you.

Urthemiel

P.S – That's not anatomically right. It's not. How did you twist that side like _that_ and that leg is just. Wrong. It's fascinating, really. I'm sending this picture to the Architect, he's going to find it amazing as well. I hope you don't mind shedding a couple gallons of blood for science.

By the way, have a little known fact about me.

I'm a vengeful asshole.

**xxxXXXxxx**

Cousland,

As you are currently busy as a Warden and whatever you are doing with a draconic abomination, I and my line will be taking care of Highever for ever and ever.

Greetings,

Arl Rendon Howe

**xxxXXXxxx**

_He's alive? He's supposed to be dead! I killed him! I even remember the whole 'argh, I deserved more, argh'. What the fuck?_

_Warden, what did we say about logic and this line?_

_Unnecessary, unneeded and only to be used as a weapon?_

_There you go._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Howe,

You're alive. Interesting information. Aedan is on his way to change that. Don't go anywhere.

Urthemiel, the draconic abomination who hopes wholeheartedly you will suffer.

**xxxXXXxxx**

Lord Urthemiel and Warden Cousland,

I will be using your service hoping you forward a simple message to the people of Thedas.

I fought to gain freedom. I fought for people. I didn't fight because mages are abominations of nature or because the Imperium was an evil place. I fought because I needed to. Kindly stop using my name and my husband's to justify every little stupidity you come up with (I'm looking at you, Meredith).

By the way, Warden, I am not so sure about your association with that dragon. He seems deranged.

Greetings,

Andraste, Prophet and Bride of the Maker.

P.S – What makes you morons think I _want_ people to jump into flames and turn to dust in my name? Are you all sick?

* * *

Lady Prophet,

It was him or the Architect. I'll take the one who won't hang me somewhere and bleed me dry.

Aedan Cousland

P.S - When you get tired of that old man, woman? *winkwink*

Urthemiel

**xxxXXXxxx**

_By the Maker's non-existent balls, would you please_ not flirt in front of me! _It's like watching my parents (twice-thrice-neverending removed) getting it on._

_Deal with it, Warden. Anything else would either be incest or pedophilia._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our eternal appreciation goes to Enaid (Nathaniel Howe and Dog) and Suilven (Lady Isolde) for their kind contributions. They will be taken into account in a nearby (painful) future. A big thank you to the reviewers who have been ever so kind to the Working Faction of This Thing.
> 
> Also, a huge huge thank you to Josie Lange who managed to capture Urthemiel in one of his finest moments (remove the spaces - http : / / josielange. deviantart. com / # / d4mnn9d). And go to youtube and listen to 'A little less conversation' :D
> 
> Letters to either Urthemiel or Aedan should be addressed through PMs (if working, of course. *nudgenudge* ffnet *nudgenudge*)
> 
> We will be back.


	5. People? You whine too much

_We would like to state that the incredibly slowness of this chapter wasn't due to any of you bugs' letters. Though you did do your best to destroy our sanity._

_It wasn't even due to the Warden's better half who chose to drop by._

_We just didn't want to move too quickly :) But we adore you._

_You do. I don't._

_Yes but that's why you're the asshole and I'm the lovable hunk._

_Less self-lip service, more writing, Warden._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Cousland,

I WASN'T A VIRGIN.

Jowan

* * *

Jowan,

Sure you weren't. The caps and implied despair totally drove that truth home. I'll let Sanga know your fumbling was all an act.

(what's your surname again? It sounds incredibly personal this way. I don't like it.)

Cousland

**xxxXXXxxx**

Warden,

This is _it_. I've had it with being compared to you. I defeated an Ogre. I defeated a big huge godforsaken pile of living rocks and made it out of the Deep Roads. I defeated Qunari and and. Maker damnit, I deserve some praise too, not the usual 'you did good, of course, you're from the Warden's Land'.

_STOP HORDING ALL THE GLORY._

Hawke, Former Champion of Kirkwall.

* * *

Former Champion isn't a title,

Aedan wishes for it to be known that it is Commander Of The Grey Of Ferelden, Hero of Said Place and Arl of Amaranthine. Not Warden. Pay him the respect he deserves.

And he is relatively amazing because he went against _me_. You didn't. Stop complaining, brat.

Urthemiel, Archdemon of the Dragon Age and Lord of Beauty (and _*YOU*_ know it).

**xxxXXXxxx**

Old God,

I am not old.

You know who.

* * *

Sadly, I do know who,

I wonder.

Divine Presence.

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Feel free to share with the class._

_Grown-up conversation. You wouldn't get it anyway._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Bastard,

Well, I don't like it.

Lord of All.

* * *

Asshole,

I have no parents. Therefore, I can't be a bastard.

How are you replying so quickly?

He Who Makes Ogres Weep.

**xxxXXXxxx**

_What part of_ this _conversation is grown-up?_

_Told you wouldn't understand it._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Moron,

I have no… wait. Now do I?

I'm a God.

He Who Has The Girl.

* * *

That was incredibly lame, jackass,

Even lamer…

Point.

He Who Has a Warden?

**xxxXXXxxx**

_That's_ the Maker _?_

_Cookie?_

_The honest-to…well, honest-to-the-Maker_ Maker _?_

_Your capacity to see the obvious is intact. Well done._

_B-But he sounds like you. And that's … …_

_Warden? …are you broken?_

_Sorry. Just understood why this world is_ this _fucked up. Anyway, I am not being thrown in the middle of this. Him, he is supposed to be with his back against the world. Turn around. And_ you _. Stop replying. Because, while watching you two bicker is fun, I prefer to have my stupidity served in smaller, monthly doses._

**xxxXXXxxx**

To: Aedan Cousland, Warden Commander, Ferelden

Greetings. It has come to my attention that you may have an opening for a skilled archer of indeterminate noble status. I come provided with my own enchanted weapons, fashionable armor, and Chant of Light. I am also a qualified priest should you need oversight of any marriages, funerals or jumble sales. In my spare time I also occasionally enjoy yodeling - my 'Maker, No!' has had a gratifying reception. Requisite salary: volunteer. Resume enclosed.

Sincerely,

Sebastian Vael, HRH (pending) Starkhaven.

* * *

To: Sebastian Vael,

Us, at the Grey Wardens, have received your missive and proposal with interest. Unfortunately, you have forgotten to include a letter of recommendation from your previous position. Do not worry about that issue; it has been resolved quickly thanks to one of our Wardens (Carver, big dude, large sword, incredible bad temper? That one). The now former Champion of Kirkwall claims you are a rather good archer but a man who commits to nothing, has more mood swings than a regular pregnant woman in a year and are incredibly prone to shift sides and threaten when the decision of your superiors is not to your liking. Not to mention to slight racism against mages.

Your entrance to the Wardens is hereby rejected.

In layman's terms, I got enough lip to deal with from Velanna, Anders is still in the premises and Nathaniel works just fine as the stick-up-his ass, reticent archer. Why would I want yet another freaking bucket of crazy?

Best regards,

Aedan Cousland, Warden Commander of Ferelden.

**xxxXXXxxx**

Cousland,

Don't call me stupid.

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Urthemiel._

_Aedan._

_You claw the pages as you write._

_I'm aware._

_Then stop sending_ anonymous _messages to the line. It's counterproductive._

****xxxXXXxxx** **

Boss,  
Why am I called "Emissary"? I'm more a mage than a diplomat.  
Spawn # 6879-b

* * *

Spawn # 6879-b

'Destiny Ascension' was taken. And 'idiot' was too generic.

Boss

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Are you praying, Warden?_

_Even you have to agree that Spawn developing logic, if not intelligence, is a miracle._

_And what are you praying for?_

_For it to disappear. I'd like to keep wining Blights._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Boss,  
Why am I called 'Hurlock"? I don't toss around padlocks.  
Spawn # 90046-k

* * *

Spawn # 90046-k

Maybe you should. It would be far more productive than getting killed by Warden.

Boss

**xxxXXXxxx**

Boss,  
Why am I called "Genlock"? What's a 'Gen'? And why should it be locked?  
Spawn # 7766660012-x

* * *

Spawn # 7766660012-x

Why aren't you locked up is a far better question.

Boss

**xxxXXXxxx**

Sir,  
Why am I called "Shylock"? I'm not particularly bashful.

* * *

Whoever you are,

Your missive has been forward to Shakespeare, William. Get your bosses right, boy. Though I agree 'thief' would be much more direct.

Humans. Can't keep it simple.

Urthemiel

**xxxXXXxxx**

Boss,  
I know damn well why I'm called a "Shriek."  
Just saying.  
Spawn # 55587-m

* * *

Spawn # 55587-m,

Then stop writing and look for a cliff. Jump. Appreciated.

Boss

**xxxXXXxxx**

To _all_ Spawn,

Any other moronic question will be replied with the immediate preparation of a meal.

You'll be the main course.

Your Lord and Master

**xxxXXXxxx**

To: Warden Commander  
From: Nathaniel Howe, Warden

All remains quiet as regards spawn activity. On a personal note, I would just like to express my deep appreciation for the reference you passed on in your last communication. I was unaware that you knew I had a polyp, nor did I realize Sanga was a surgeon qualified to remo-[here letter breaks off with a long trail of ink down the page]

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Any comment, Warden?_

_Nah. He just insulted himself fine with every line. Really doesn't need my help._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Aedan, darling,

Your package has been received. I only wish I'd had advance notice since I could have made a fortune off cover charges for the floor show. Your sweetie pup apparently dragged him by the ankle the entire way from the Warden compound to one of the rooms upstairs, dropped him, stole a leg of lamb and was off like an arrow. I've put my girls to work on the client - it helped that he was only semi-conscious from his head bouncing off every curb and step along the way.

P.S. Speaking of 'packages' sweetie, don't be such a stranger. We don't call you the Hero of Ferelden for nothing, you know.

Kisses,

Sanga

* * *

Dearest Sanga,

Oh. He bumped his head that hard, huh? That's kind of great. You'll be paid extra just in case the blood got into the wood, I like your place too much to have it stained with some idiot's dejects :( You'll forgive me, dearest, won't you? Won't you? Pretty please? Same with the lamb, Dane needed it. In fact, I think I need to offer him a castle of his own or something. Or a canine harem...

Hm. That dog might just be my brother from another mother.

Anyway, I would love to visit ( _adore_ , really :D) but the second Morrigan saw me under the shade of your oh-so-lovely home, I'd see my manhood suffer complete and immediate suicide in horrific ways. Lately, she's been trying out necrophilia spells. Did you even know those existed? When you see something decay into pieces in front of you, you get a whole new appreciation for your witch-slash-beloved-other-half and her ability to destroy your precious parts. I give her points for originality though.

I can still donate to my favorite gal in Denerim?

Best regards,

Aedan

**xxxXXXxxx**

Aedan,

Adore to visit her, is it?

Morrigan

* * *

My most beloved amazing better half,

No more than I adore you to the seven levels of Fade and beyond, my stud muffin.

Your very very devoted Warden

****xxxXXXxxx** **

_You are incredibly whiped, Warden._

_**And** have a healthy appreciation for her assets and capability to reduce me to a very good-looking soprano.  
_

******xxxXXXxxx** ** **

[written on Highever letterhead]  
Bestest, dearest, awesomest Aedan who is the bestest,

Bark! Pant-pant-pant! Barkbark!

signed:

[muddy paw print]

P.S.

Arf!

* * *

Smartest Warden,

Glad you're enjoying yourself, boy. Make sure to use all the perks, annoy all the cooks, get everything in the pantry and if Fergus complains, stare at him for a couple of minutes. Unwavering. He'll bend like a piece of pasta.

Aedan

P.S – I'll visit in two days.

**xxxXXXxxx**

_This was a very traumatizing week. It's sort of being a pattern now._

_I have hope it will eventually take a turn for the better._

You _have hope?_

_I also have teeth, claws and fiery breath in case hope doesn't quite cut it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This month's chapter is to be thanked in amazing quantity to Enaid (ALL spawn, Sebastian, Nathaniel, Sanga and Dog) who is probably the High Priestess of Urthemiel's temple by now. A nice shout out goes to Wyl who recommended how Urthemiel should definitely use the line. Obviously, Aedan appreciates the idea and dislikes it accordingly. A big thank you to ChampionTheWonderSnail for opinions in previews. And you. Everyone else? Kisses and hugs (LOL. No). The Minds Behind These Words nod in your direction.
> 
> Letters to either Urthemiel or Aedan should be addressed through PMs. Any and all contributions are welcome.
> 
> Until the next time. (Mwahaha).


	6. Insult first, party after

_I like an Orlesian as much as any other Ferelden (i.e., I don't) but have to hand it to them. They know how to party._

_Which explains why you've spent the last three weeks drunk, barely dressed and mooning over the witch, the Empress, the bard(s), the grocery stand girl, the…_

_You counted them._

_It helped that I failed to drink my meals._

_I also ate. Mostly cheese and ham. Vacation aside, we are back._

_Likely for a short while, there are more important things to be done. Unfortunately, the amount of letters littering our inbox was ridiculously large._

_Hence, insults first, party after._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Warden Cousland,

Or am I supposed to call you Warden-Commander? Or Aedan? Or am I supposed to call you something else? I'm afraid I don't know how to address humans. Oh, I'm rambling. I'm so sorry. Um, I was hoping that you might help me with a tiny project of mine. I have a mirror that needs to be fixed, but it's proving to be difficult, and I thought that since you've traveled all over you might know something that I don't. I'm afraid I don't have much money, but I do have a very nice ball of string that Varric gave me. It isn't much, but it does help keep you from getting lost!

Sincerely,

Merrill

P.S. – Anders said to remind you that he needs help freeing the mages. He said we need you to help provide justice to our fellow mages. I didn't know you were a mage! That's wonderful! The mages here really are treated very unfairly, but I think Anders just wants you to visit him. He says some very naughty things about you. Isabela seems to appreciate it, though.

**xxxXXXxxx**

_What would you say if I said I want to butcher Anders?_

_Go ahead. Make it bloody. Clean up after. Don't forget to floss._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Crazy Person,

I'm sure you'd want this to be picked up by Aedan but he is currently addressing an issue involving a wall and his forehead. He tends to do that whenever Anders comes into the conversation. Sometimes I believe the guy will be enough to make even the Warden abandon his no mage-killing policy (* _this is a hint*)_.

Now, I have a question for your little mind to puzzle over. How and in what world would it be intelligent to restore a mirror that got two of your own people rotting alive? Just answer me this because there's really no way my own far superior intelligence can grasp that little piece of information.

I think this is why elves lost their immortality. Just think of the damage you could do if you lived forever. Incidentally, off yourself quickly.

Urthemiel.

**xxxXXXxxx**

Hero of Fereldan,

We've heard some amazing **** about you over here in Kirkwall! Is it true you kicked Howe in the ****? I tried asking Hawke if she heard the rumor, but she gets pissed every time your name gets mentioned.

Varric

P.S.  
We need to sit down over a drink. I'd love to write your story.

* * *

Thetras,

Kicked, stabbed, punched, maimed and gave his tiny little pieces to my dog :D Damn right, man. I'd give you more details but most people who were in that room still retch at the mental images. Alistair had nightmares for a week, Leliana stopped trying to get into my bedroll and Zevran bought me an honorary Crow membership.

When you're done with the weird chick searching for me and the "champion" (as if I'm hard to find. Middle of nowhere next to the huge draconic being), drop by for some ale. Unlike your "champion", I have good sportsmanship when I lose.

I never lost though.

Aedan.

P.S. – Tell Hawke I sent her Strout to keep her company. She doesn't need to thank me.

**xxxXXXxxx**

To the Esteemed Commander of the Grey, Aidan Cousland HOF, Esq,

I write to enquire about your plans for the items of various description and value currently located in the Denerim Storerooms (vault nos 15 – 103). While I am more than happy to continue to administer these 'items' at no extra cost to you and your Warden Associates, I do wish to advise you that the contents of these vaults have recently come under close scrutiny by those commonly known as the 'Excise Men', who hold the rather odd view that no man, woman or child in Ferelden should be allowed to amass any fortune capable of buying the entire continent of Thedas twice over, without paying the appropriate tax.

My inclination would be a timely removal of said items to more secure, location 'offshore'.

I look forward to your response.

Yours Faithfully,

Bodahn Feddic, Merchant (Extraordinaire)

* * *

Bodahn,

Then it should be time for you to leave Kirkwall. You did a wonderful job, old man, but you have suffered enough while serving the "champion". I have a nice little setting in Orlais for you. Contact Warden Mitak in the Capital, he will give you all the details necessary for the relocation of both you, Sandal and our equipment.

I'm still amazed as to how much you disliked the king. Never thought mentioning the lack of actual discount would make you take such an innovative stance in relation to the Crow's taxes. Then again, I'm not complaining.

Respectfully,

Aedan Cousland, Warden-Commander of Ferelden.

**xxxXXXxxx**

Aidan Cousland

(A.K.A Little Brother)

Short but sweet, brother; just wanted you to know that as I write I am currently the #2 Most Eligible Bachelor in Ferelden. While being admired for our incredibly good Cousland looks, the number of over-zealous noblewomen mucking about the grounds and ruining Mother's rose arbor is quite frankly getting ridiculous.

Help me out here will you? Would appreciate it if you came back once in a while to drag some of these 'women' away. Found Habren Bryland lurking in the cellars last Tuesday. And even Anora Mac Tir's been poking about the cabbages, looking for an audience. Ever since you and the King turned her down, she's been hunting around for another victim.

My shout at the Greenfell Arms I believe?

Yours,

Fergus

* * *

Brother.

I swear to the Maker, you either  _stop writing about your non-existent romantic issues_  or I'm telling Oghren you're in love with him.

Now, I _would_  submit them all to the taint. Only they're such a plague, I fear the taint might actually jump out their stomachs and hightail to Val Royeux for counseling. HENCE BY THE LOVE OF THE MAKER JUST MARRY ONCE AND FOR ALL (Just not Habren, calling her sister would reduce my sanity into a vortex of vomit and nausea). This would solve everything. A second solution would be to order your guards to shoot them on sight. You might prefer this one.

Other than this, you're on your own. Sorry to say but I don't ask you to deal with any Broodmothers for me, do I? And their boobs are scarier than Anora any day.

Tomorrow at ten.

Your brother, Aedan

**xxxXXXxxx**

_You sent them to him._

_Were you enjoying their presence?_

_Only when your witch used them as practice. Randomly, are you absolutely sure you like your brother?_

_Damn right. He makes my life so much easier._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Aedan Cousland,

I find myself wondering why there are so many of you running around Thedas. Is Aedan a common name? Or was it that your parents simply ran out of ideas? The Aedan Cousland that I know denies all knowledge of your existence, but I cannot tell if he is speaking the truth or not. He seems to grow irritated each time the question is raised. Either way, I should like to extend an invitation for you to visit Denerim, where I am currently staying. From what I hear, you are far more pleasing to the eyes than the Aedan that I know. Perhaps this is why he grows angry?

Sincerely,

Lilyth Surana

* * *

Lilyth Surana,

That's one issue I have been forced to deal with lately. I can only conclude that many males in this fine continent are jealous of my awesomeness and wish to emulate me by taking my name. I mean, who can blame them? Creepy but who can? I advise you don't pay attention to all those others (I don't get who'd bother with fakes when the genuine article is around) but let's face it, from pretending to be another to stalking and pointy objects is all but a small step. And we know how annoying it is to stumble on bodies every fucking where we walk. It also gets a huge amount of Banns' complaints over plagues, sanitation and desertification.

I accept your invitation. On the behalf of good inter-dimensional Warden relations, of course.

Greetings,

Aedan Cousland (The One and Only * _REAL*_  Aedan)

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Urthemiel,

It has been quite a while since we have heard of your exploits. I realize that being defeated/vanquished/sent packing by the Commander of the Grey may have led to somewhat diminished activities post head-parting, however we have been wondering whether this is it. Retirement. Allowing a younger, less (ahem) breathing-challenged Old God to take the stage.

We ask just in case we need to update those placards or change the colours of our pom-poms. Strong cardboard's a tad difficult to source post-Blight.

Yours,

ChampionTheWonderSnail

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Can I kill her?_

_Secretary's scowling and shaking her head while waving her arms and making ridiculously threatening motions._

_Only means I get to kill this one and her._

_It also means we'd have no one to order around on errands._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Minion,

I am incredibly grateful you have written this missive. It was risen me from my vacation-related stupor into the appropriate mindset to deal with you moronic ants.

Invest on a nuclear shelter. Also, I am partial to two-century old whiskey.

Urthemiel

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Ser Urthemiel,

If you have any dropped scales, talon clippings or shed wing membranes to spare, I have a potentially lucrative business venture you may be interested in.

Levi Dryden

c/o Dryden, Dryden, Dryden, Dryden, Dryden, Dryden & Jones

Soldiers' Peak

* * *

Dryden (s),

I don't shed or drop. I perspire and my scales and membranes softly float to the ground. I will let this mistake pass by if only because you were unfailingly polite.

If you send one of your Drydens and Jones as servants and we can discuss further payment. I miss decent foot massages.

Urthemiel.

**xxxXXXxxx**

Cousland:  
You! You betrayed us at Ostagar and got everyone killed! I challenge you to a duel of honor, which for reasons which escape me at present would best be enacted in the alley behind a bar!

This isn't over!  
Ser Landry

* * *

Archdemon:  
You! You attacked us in Denerim and got everyone killed! I challenge you to a duel of honor, which would have best been enacted in the alley behind a bar except that a) you wouldn't fit and b) you burned it down along with the rest of Denerim!

This isn't over!  
Ser Landry

* * *

Laundry.

I have a better place. Go to Orzammar, all through the commons till the very end. Say I gave you permission to pass. I'll be waiting for you after the seventh bell.

Greetings,

Warden-Commander.

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Well. I got to hand it to this guy. He is persistent. Dumb as a door and twice as thick but Maker, he's persistent._

_Warden. That's the way to the Deep Roads._

_Is it? My bad._

_On an even brighter side, it is finally going to be over after this._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Warden Commander,

A word of explanation since you're probably going to be hearing from your Seneschal. Dworkin's reasoning was sound: carefully laid charges to blow deeper pits for the latrines. No one was actually injured. It was just an unfortunate coincidence that Varel was actually making use of the latrine at the time.  
Yours,

Voldrik

* * *

Dear Warden Commander,

OMFG I'M GOING TO EVISCERATE THAT VOIDDAMNED INSANE DWARF IF YOU DON'T DO SOMETHING ABOUT HIM OMFG!

Respectfully,

Varel

* * *

Dear Varel.

You can be sure I will have deep and severe words with Voldrik. We can't afford to keep rebuilding the Keep every time he gets bored. He is, of course, in the wrong. Do not worry; I'll take care of it.

While you wait, I need the east wing furnished. I will be bringing a ton of recruits back. And do try to get to Amaranthine and pick up my packages. Busy, busy on this side.

Yours,

Warden-Commander Cousland

P.S – What in the world means OMFG? Is it a fungus?

* * *

Dear Dworkin,

He'll be working in the east wing for a while.

Keep up the good work.

Aedan

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Insulting and idiotic as per usual but not that brain damaging. I would say they are evolving._

_Maggot to snail?_

_Prokaryote to Eukaryote._

* * *

_This took its time but, not to forget. A huge thanks to our regular contributors Enaid (Voldrik, Varel, Drydens and Ser Landry), ChampionTheWonderSnail (herself, Bodahn and Fergus Cousland) and a new worker for the Aedan/Urthemiel ranks, Seika (Varric, Merril and her own creation, Lilyth Surana). You guys made this chapter. Readers everywhere receive the opportunity to send presents and promises of worship._

_Letters to either Urthemiel or Aedan should be addressed through PMs_ _._ _Any and all contributions are_ _welcome._

_Off somewhere._


	7. These are the REAL family issues

_Yes, yes, we know, you missed us like crazy. But, you know, we have lives and those don't include, well._

_You._

_What the dragon said. You did bring on the crazy this week, didn't you?  
_

_Mostly_ _your family. Shouldn't you people actually talk?_ **_  
_ **

_Human families shouldn't talk too much. Too much effort.  
_

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Urthemiel,

I understand that your faithful assistant has recently celebrated a birthday. I hope that you gave her a suitably wonderful present for all the hard work she does for you. Perhaps a signed portrait of yourself? Perhaps you ate a pile of colored paper and let her use you as a piñata? Or, did she just get the honor of massaging your toes like last year?

Regards,

Suilven

P.S. You did remember, didn't you?

* * *

Dear Peon,

I did remind her that she is getting old and soon will need a walking stick. I also gave her the opportunity to run around on errands and watch me eat chocolate cake.

All in all, I was a very kind God.

As always.

Greetings,

Urthemiel

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Did you even remember?_

_Of course not, who do you take me for? One of you humans? If you lack scales, I'm not caring. And even then, you got to be bigger than a horse and able to scratch me._

_And even then, I always get you in the end :D_

_Are you_ ever _going to let that go?_

_You don't let go of how big and amazing you are, I don't let go of the way I always end you with a toothpick._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Aedan,

I have heard my sister-in-law scree– speaking rather rudely about this tool. Therefore, it seemed right I requested your aid. Eamon has been speaking about making me his heir and, I cannot stress this enough to translate my urgency but I will try to do so.

***I do not want to be his heir***

Can I count on your assistance in any other way that doesn't imply murder? (Yes, my nephew spoke of your last advice. And while I could not care less about some odd man perving on Connor, I would like to request you tone down the attempts on Tranquilizing him.)

Courteous greetings,

Bann Teagan of Rainesfere

* * *

Teagan,

Grow a spine and tell him no.

Also, notice the non-murderous advice. I demand a cookie as reward.

Greetings,

Warden-Commander Aedan Cousland

**xxxXXXxxx**

_All of Eamon's family is insane._

_Yeah, you dragons are certainly the poster family for sanity._

_Of course we are! Before the Taint, I will have you know… hm. Huh._

_Yes?_

_Thighs, whipped cream, strippers and a pineapple._

_I don't want to know._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Hey Da,

I know you said I wasn't to ask for the keys for the sports curricle until I was of age, but ooh man met this super hot girl at the Fade and Fondue Night last week. You should see her horns and her collection of tatts. Think you'd like her. Anyhoo, asked Mom and she said she washes her hands of me if I was going to insist on consorting with scarlet women. But she ain't. She's kinda purple with spots. *Hot* spots. So...can I? I'd hook you up with her Mom but I think she might be a Sloth Demon.

Promise to take out the trash extra and not destroy Tevinter.

Too much.

Yours,

God Child

* * *

Dear Bryce,

Your mom wants to take this, boy, and I have to obey. I'm sorry but you're not the one sharing a bed with her. Daddy loves you?

Your amazing father,

Aedan

* * *

Bryce,

I will not repeat myself again. You will stop subjecting yourself to these beings whom are likely to contaminate you with some unnamable disease. You are an old God – no matter how incredibly impossible that sounds at times considering your similarity to Aedan (grow up, Warden, you do know I am right) – act like it. And this tactic of running to your father when I forbid you of something is bluntly demeaning.

And about your father? Hook him up with anything and you will lose him in a most original fashion.

Morrigan

* * *

Bryce,

Don't be such a pansy. You are a God. Get what you want.

Urthemiel.

**xxxXXXxxx**

_I find it disturbing to see my soul in a teenager._

_I find it more disturbing for you to end up as my kid._

_I find it even more disturbing that the witch keeps wearing the pants where everything is concerned._

_Touché._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Revered Old God,

I seem to have been turned into a ghoul and killed after trying to kill my adoptive son. Can you please direct me a way to change this situation?

Best regards,

Adria

* * *

Adria,

Try not to eat the Warden's entourage next time. I keep telling this to every idiot who chooses to do 'suicide by warden'.

And no. That'd imply I'd want a zombie babysitter around. Why do you people persist in being brainless?

Urthemiel.

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Brother,  
Please find enclosed, invitation to my wedding to Bann Alfstanna. It'll be a winter wedding, so dress appropriately. Wouldn't want you to catch your death after all.

By the way, I hope you're running scared. Or did you think I wouldn't find out that you'd sent all those 'women' my way? Tsk, tsk little brother. You're going to have to wake up earlier in the morning to best me. Or at the least, should have sent Habren Bryland gagged. Maker, that girl can talk the hind legs off an Archdemon. Confessed the whole. Told me you'd seen me making goo-goo eyes at her during the last Landmeet. Yes. I do admit I might have looked her way some time. I do remember mentally wording my formal complaint to the Royal Ferelden Society for the Protection of Mabari and she happened to catch my eye.

Or was it that pickled egg I'd had at lunch?

Never mind. Please do come. Persistent marriage-mongers aside, wouldn't want to waste that good ale we're having brought up especially from Orzammar for the Happy Occasion on mere blow-ins.

Bring a partner.

Ha! Thought I'd forgotten that, hadn't you? Your dragon friend in an evening gown doesn't count, by the way.

Your Brother,  
Fergus Cousland I  
Teryn of Highever

* * *

Dear Brother,

My feelings towards this missive will be described in a single sentence.

MAKER DAMNED FINALLY.

I can almost *feel* the burden of being heir just floating off my shoulders. Seriously, do you  _think_  I need more titles? I take half an hour to write the current ones as it is.

All in all, I applaud your decision for my sister-in-law, Maker knows Alfstanna has a good head on those lovely shoulders of hers. That and she approves of me, how can she be any smarter? Tons of luck from this side of the universe. Maybe now you'll stop writing every single week. You're like mom; only with less skirts and style.

I'm bringing Morrigan. Keep Templars out because she likes exploding them and I don't think you need that many bloodstains on such a joyous occasion.

Aedan Cousland (who doesn't need a 'I' since I'll always be unique), Warden-Commander

P.S – Urthemiel says he's also coming. And that he doesn't use evening gowns, they are togas. Togas are apparently less girly. I'm not touching this subject with a ten-foot pole. Too busy laughing.

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Yeah and I don't wear banana hammocks either. So excuse me if I don't pay attention to your idea of fashion._

_Excused, you old-fashioned being._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Old God,

Stop being a bad influence on my son. You already destroyed my husband, it is more than enough.

Morrigan

* * *

Witch,

No.

Urthemiel

**xxxXXXxxxx**

From the Offices of Her Majesty, Queen Anora Mac Tir  
Royal Palace, Denerim

Ferelden

17 Justinian  
9:32 Dragon

To: Urthemiel, "Dragon of Beauty"

Account Number: 89432

Dear Mr. Urthemiel:

Our records indicate that you have an outstanding balance dating back to 19 Cloudreach, 9:32 Dragon for damages caused during the event referred to as "The Battle of Denerim" in 9:31 Dragon. Your initial invoice for said damages was for 150,000 gold sovereigns and we have yet to receive your payment. Please see the invoice enclosed for an itemized list of damages and associated costs.

If you have already submitted your payment, you may disregard this notice. Otherwise, please remit the amount owing, in full, by no later than 1 Kingsway, 9:32 Dragon. We also respectfully bring your attention to the fine print located on the eighteenth page of your invoice, as you will be charged 8.75% interest on any outstanding balance remaining beyond that date.

Thank you in advance for your prompt payment. Should you have any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact me directly.

Regards,

Hortensia Fairfax  
Personal Accountant to Her Majesty, Queen Anora Mac Tir

Enclosure: Invoice 89432-1

* * *

Miss Hortensia Fairfax,

Your queen will be paid as soon as I am returned the darkspawn, ogres and assorted blighted animals slaughtered in said battle. I am sure you'll find them incredibly hard and disgusting to manufacture. Enjoy.

Also, if I am contacted again, there might be another Battle after which there will be no more accountants, queens or, if I want to be more direct, living beings.

Urthemiel

P.S. – A good deal of courage there, miss. If you wish to move from accountant to priestess, do contact me. I haven't had a proper one after the Maker did his little magic trick on us.

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Commander Cousland,

First of all, I wish to express my congratulations over the amazing work you have been doing in your planet. Systematic and effective; I could use a couple hundred soldiers such as yourself.

My question is a different one. From what I have seen, you have managed to halt the incredible amount of people constantly asking you for things. My question is, how have you managed it? Because, quite frankly, I'm tempted to start throwing people off the airlock, diplomacy be damned.

Sincere regards,

Jane Shepard, Citadel Special Tactics and Reconnaissance, Commander of the SSV Normandy

* * *

Dear Commander Shepard,

Always good to hear (read) from someone with a proper head on her shoulders (heard what you did with that Sovereign? Classic. Send me some of that firepower). Which is why I'm going to share my amazing method to get rid of all those elves, humans, nobles, people, animals,  _things_ that can never get their existence right and need me to actually make them lift a finger.

Befriend a creature powerful enough to reduce them to shreds with a smile and half your patience.

I *am not* kidding. Nothing takes care of that issue as fast as your sworn enemy and fear over you switching sides. Mostly the sworn enemy thing. Urthemiel? Didn't need to buy food for two months after our arrangement. Then they finally learned and the meat industry around developed quite rapidly.

Harbinger sounds like a good option. Drop him a hi instead of trying to blow him (her? It?) up.

Courteously,

Aedan Cousland, Warden-Commander of the Grey of Ferelden.

P.S – Specter sounds badass. Any way to make me one with my credentials? Grey Warden sounds just like a warden who doesn't wash. It's rather demeaning.

**xxxXXXxxx**

_In case anyone's wondering, I don't care about the forth Wall anymore. I laugh at you. I laugh of you and your forth walls. Ah ah._

_No one wonders about your_ _idiosyncrasies_ _anymore, Warden. Let's wrap this up._

* * *

_AN – Delayed but still around, guys. A year after, even! As always, the secretary is much grateful to this week's correspondents: Suilven (for herself and Hortensia), Enaid (The God Child) and ChampiontheWonderSnail (Fergus Cousland) (and if I got any wrong, I am so sorry, guys :( ). The much more important members of the team appreciate your continuous worship and wish you good holidays since the secretary will hardly be productive enough to post before such time._

_Fading out._


	8. Personal questions invade the line

_There's something special about reading all your nicely crafted letters._

_It is mostly your minds. They are special. Incredibly so. For this week, we give you a mostly sedated group of missives. For the next, I plan on having far less to deal with._

_I told you already. We are not destroying any continent!_

_You, my dear Warden, are a pansy._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Urthemiel,

So here's where you are! Those silly old darkspawn kept telling me you had just stepped out or were in the little lizard's room powdering your nose - they just can't keep a thing straight in their little heads, can they? I mean, really? EVERY time I come to visit? If I didn't know better I'd think you were avoiding me! Ha ha! Surely you aren't still in a snit with me over that little spa-treatment mishap? My dear, let me make it up to you. Some scented candles, hot rock massage, and a lovely exfoliating lavender-kelp-sea salt wrap and I guarantee I'll have you glowing like a 200-year old again! Word of honour, sweetie!

Kisses,

Architect

P.S. - And because we mustn't let our yummy Warden feel left out, enclosed is a coupon for a free Blood Type Therapy Retreat Package: a steam, exfoliation, ginseng bath, tourmaline body wrap, and a 90-minute aromatic gems massage culminating in a delicious pool-side meal! Fabulous!

**xxxXXXxxx**

_I have a question._

_Yes?_

_Why does he sound like he got a sex change before being resurrected?_

_Who says he did?_

_I had Anders check it. It explains why he went insane._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Architect,

As you didn't seem to understand, I'll give you the reply you need bluntly. Stay. Away. From. Me. I have no time or patience to deal with servants who are more worried about my perfect scales (and imply I am old and need skin treatments) than actually conquering the world as they were made for.

Every time you use the word 'sweetie' or 'dear', I feel like crushing something. You should do it in person.

The God of  _BEAUTY_  who needs no treatments whatsoever.

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Aedan,

I have been told you warned your little Warden King about me. Exactly why? I'm sure you know I'd be an incredibly good company.

Also, exclusivity? Such an old-fashioned view.

Isabela

* * *

Dear Isabela,

Quite frankly, I wouldn't have done it. But then Fergus said he'd kill me if Alistair ran away after the first uncovered bum which crossed his path (why am I the one to blame, I don't even know!). I think he doesn't want to be King, isn't that amazing? So unless you want to shackle yourself to Denerim, maybe you could give that nutcase… I mean, Anders a ride and leave Alistair to settle down with some homely maiden who wouldn't mind a crown on her head. I am thinking only of your wellbeing here.

I thought so too. Then I discovered Morrigan's breasts are eternal like the night and I'd rather have two of those birds on my hands than having no hands.

Greetings,

Aedan.

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Sir,

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Urthemiel because a Gay Warden exploded him. Papa says 'if you see it in 1-800 why are you wasting your time reading that crap when you still have chores to do I'll give you the back of my hand.' Please tell me the truth; is there an Urthemiel?

Nevarra O'Hanlon

PS: Why did they name me after a city-state? Do grownups have that much trouble remembering where they live?

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Gay Warden? GAY Warden? What part of being almost-but-not-quite-married to my witchy Queen DO THESE KIDS NOT GET? WHAT PART HUH? I CARRY SWORDS (of the different kind and everything) I LIKE PRETTY WOMEN I AM AMAZING AND NOT GAY. Not that I have anything against that. Just. NOT ONE. Hoes over Bros, people._

_You are stealing young Potter's Caps Lock speech, Warden. Also, being slightly defensive._

_I will kill you again, imaginary dragon._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Nevarra,

I am, in fact, real and eternal. It comes with being a God. Does your ignorant father know what a God is? It is the being who might be coming for him in a nearby future for being such a terrible example to his eight year old. I do think it would be best for him to start working on those offerings unless he wishes for it to be known about the teddy, the dress and, of course, his odd kink over his neighbor's beard.

Oops. It seems I forgot this is a public forum and, therefore, his secret is no longer secret. I would apologize if I cared enough about anything else bar scaled covered beings.

Also Aedan is not gay but currently murdering my eardrums as to make sure I write it down.

Basically, do find new friends.

His Majestic and Impressive Old God,

Urthemiel.

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Aedan,

I still need some more Dragon's Piss.

Oghren

* * *

Oghren,

Let me get Urthemiel. Wouldn't want you to drink some falsified stuff. Yes, I'm an adorable boss.

Cousland.

**xxxXXXxxx**

_I am not_ pissing  _into a bottle, Warden._

_Got you a barrel. Come on, it's for a good cause. Bring the results of stupidity into the masses. You adore to do that._

_What if he likes it?_

_You start charging for it._

**xxxXXXxxx**

To the esteemed Warden Commander, greetings.

I and my colleagues wish to inquire if you are currently accepting dragon slaying commissions. If so, we can make an offer of one-fourteenth of a dragon's entire stolen horde as payment in gold, silver, and jewels, wrought or unwrought, upon the death of that particular problematic dragon. We assure you that this is a substantial sum, a trove the size of which few human kings have ever even dreamed of amassing.  
Our situation is as follows: we had previously asked a wizard who reputedly was known for his wisdom and connections to assist in reclaiming our fortune and home from this draconic invader. The wizard, instead of rendering magical assistance or hiring proper heroes (despite our being dwarves of means), bequeathed us with a bargain-bin contracted "burglar", who had little to no previous experience or resume contacts, nor any particularly useful skills. Said burglar nearly got I and my twelve other companions killed by failing to pick pocket a troll the previous night. We do not wish to wager our luck on his capabilities again when up against an intelligent, fire-breathing dragon.

Respectfully awaiting your response,

Thorin Oakenshield and co.

* * *

Esteemed Thorin Oakenshield, son of Thrain

I have read about this supposed wise wizard and quite frankly, good wizards explode things. They are ass kicking machines with amazing fireball skills, cool robes and one or two magical blades. They do not make smoke rings, make odd puns or look kindly over those beneath them. First mistake right there.

Now, while I would be honored to help out your company (gold, adventure, all good things), I need a couple of reassurances. First, that the dragon is *not* an Old God. I share living quarters with one of those and he might take it badly if I go off killing his siblings; good politics for friendly cohabitation and all. One of the reasons why he's stopped trying to nibble on Fergus. Also, withhold the singing. I don't know if you noticed but large groups singing off key tend to draw attention (and the killing instinct) of normal beings like, say, humans. Dragons take it a bit worse.

Three hundred sovereings will be the fee for me and my lovely other half's participation. She is a *real* mage unlike the bearded wonder.

With my best Regards,

Aedan Cousland, Warden Commander of the Grey of Ferelden

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Urthemiel,

I'm now a High Priestess.

Do I get special favors? Or will you keep me alive?

Greetings,

Seika

* * *

High Priestess Seika,

Your new tasks include, among others, the privilege of worshiping me at all moments as well as being paraded in beautiful dresses and jewelry. My priestesses must always look the best.

In private though.

*wink* *wink*

Urthemiel

**xxxXXXxxx**

_You don't need to wink *at* the letter, dragon._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Cousland,

People still like me better.

Shepard

* * *

Shepard,

I have a first name and no people begging me to tie their shoelaces :D

Aedan.

**xxxXXXxxx**

Heeey, dra, it's me, Raz!

Took over that twitchy little mage-dude in the Fade again to write this - they should totally make some kind of message-delivery system ting like this, right? What was I saying? Oh yeah, so we missed you at de last Gods and Demons rave. I tol' you and I tol' you, don' be embarrassed about bringing your little sword twirling boyfriend. True love, soul mates, it's all good, dra, you know? Like the mon said, "Do you ever see the rainbow in the sky? Do the colors fight amongst themselves?" Although by de time de party got into de full swing, I'm pretty sure Indigo and Blue had gotten pissy and were kicking Yellow's ass so maybe dat's a thought to be revisited, yah? Don' be such a stranger, dra!

[scrawled across the bottom of the page: "i am not responsible i have not read this oh dear maker make it stop please don't kill me. FPHA, Esq.]

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Why does he always have to sound like a drunk straight out of a hurricane?_

_And what's the sudden interest in saying we're homosexual, dragonsexual, Aedansexual (though any of you ladies reading, please, don't hesitate :) ). It is becoming very very disturbing. 1800 is not a k-meme, people. Quick bringing your odd little minds outside the internet._

_Forth wall._

_Forth time I don't care. Thumbs up. You answer, he's your problem._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Razikale,

There is a war going on. If you absolutely have to make your presence now, drop the deadweight and get here before you end up tainted or dead. Then again, if you were tainted, I am sure you would end trying to conquer the Fade or any and all bars in Thedas. You always did know how to keep your goals sensible.

I was going to ask how much did you drink during that party. Then I realized nothing below a small continent would only make you see more than one tone of blue. I don't care if you use the argument of how you're asleep, currently in the fade and not able to reach any gold. I am not paying for that.

… thank you for contacting me. I'll come by next week.

Urthemiel

P.S . Backbone, FPHA. Backbone. Get some.

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Commander Cousland,

I was checking my order and I realized it has been ages since I have touched anything amazing to work with! This cannot do! Have you not killed a dragon lately? A Golem? A Demon? Anything you can skin or butcher in order to send me materials. I cannot say how  _boring_ it is to sit around doing things as plebeian as  _helmets_. I know you have killed a Varterral lately! Do send me some of that, please.

Greetings,

Wade.

P.S. – Send him nothing, Warden. He hasn't done anything decent for the past two months. Herren.

P.P.S – I so have! You will not interfere. Herren, I am  _so very bored_. I need to do something special, something magnificent, something spectacular. Wade.

P.P.P.S – You need to get those orders done. We have a house to pay for. Herren.

P.P.P.P.S – The Warden will decide what I have or don't have to do. You are not the boss of me! In fact, I can leave right now. Right this moment. Wade.

P.P.P.P.P.S - …I wasn't being serious. Sorry. I'll do those orders. Wade.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. – Send him some dragonbone, Warden. Herren.

* * *

Wade and Herren,

If I didn't know you were a good blacksmith, I wouldn't be writing to you. I would be writing to Zevran with an express request to keep you from writing anything else. Ever.

Get a room.

Cousland

**xxxXXXxxx**

_Are you sending them Zevran?_

_No. I wasn't lying when I said he was a good blacksmith. I'm sending them Isolde with a request for underwear though._

* * *

_This week, the crew of Dial 1800 has the pleasure (mostly obligation) to thank a great deal of contributors. As per usual, a huge amount of appreciation goes to Enaid (Architect, Nevarra and Razikale) and xSeikax (herself, Shepard, Oghren). We welcome to the ranks of contributors DoorbellSpider (Thorin Oakenshield), ShebasDawn and Alexmancer. You will be remembered on the day of Reckoning._

_We shall return._


	9. Special participations suck

_You are still writing. Why are you still writing? Do you really like hearing us insult you over and over and over and over again. I mean, it's not that I mind, it's actually amusing but it lowers my opinion of you._

_I didn't think it was possible, Warden._

_What can I say? They wear me down with each dumbass comment._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Urthemiel,

Thank you for your application for membership in the League of Dead Gods. Unfortunately, while 'soul got reincarnated into a human baby' is ironic enough to pique our interest, it is not sufficiently dead to qualify for a membership.

We shall watch your career with interest.

Myrkul

* * *

_Warden. Why would you do this?_

_I was bored._

_I thought you were going to talk about these issues of yours with your shrink instead of causing me trouble._

_I did. He said I was something called a f***ing narcissistic sociopath and told me to put the sword away._

* * *

Myrkul,

I don't gloat over being dead.

Also, humans don't believe in you. They do believe in me. Might have been because I have a body and destroyed a couple of cities.

Game, set, match: the Lord of Beauty.

Urthemiel

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Warden,

Do you like Kitties? I love my Kitty. My Kitty is so smart and cute and she talks to me. I like to play games with Kitty. Only I think Kitty went away. I am sad without Kitty. Do you know where Kitty is, Warden? Or do you know where I could go look for Kitty? I bet Kitty would be very happy to see both of us again.

Sincerely,  
Amalia Smith

PS: If Urthemiel has kittens could I have one for my very own?

* * *

_You know, I consider saving this girl as going against the will of the Maker. He obviously made her very stupid as a way for the world to get rid of her very quickly. Hey, maybe that applies to mag—_

_I would think several times before you finishing that sentence, Warden. You live with one._

_My Morrigan is the exception to the rule. Everyone else? I don't know why Templars bother. Between blood magic and plain stupidity, they'll be extinct before the century's out. Come to Thedas, Darwin! Theorize with me!_

* * *

Dear Amelia,

I'm afraid I have to tell you that I offed your Kitty in very murde—

* * *

( _The last word trails off in several traces and blotches of ink which spread during a great amount of space._

_Seriously._

_A lot of space._

_What's with this ton of space?_

_There is an incredibly amount of fighting behind the five lines you see here.)_

* * *

Dear Amelia,

Kitty had to go away to her own home, sweetie. I am sure you understand that she missed her family very very much. Sometimes even the best friends cannot keep us from our family for long, as I am sure my wayward son would definitely tell you. I think you should let her go and perhaps find a new pet. How about a Mabari? They are very affectionate and willing to play without requesting to borrow your body. Think about this suggestion carefully, my dear girl.

Respectfully,

Teyrna Eleanor Cousland

P.S. – Tell your papa to come and talk to me. He could use some advice, I think.

* * *

_I never want to read you saying this kind of things to a little girl, Aedan Cousland!_

_Yes, momma._

_It is natural that you get into it after such a long time dealing with people's foolishness but that is no reason to unload it all and traumatize a child!_

_In my defense, she's traumatized from birth._

_Do I want to hear you make excuses?_

_No._

_And what will I do if you keep doing them?_

_Bad things. I'm quiet._

_And I can hear you snickering, my Lord Dragon. Don't mock my child or I will tell Amelia you can send her a kitten._

_Be my guest. Any Kittens I come up with will maul her._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Commander of the Grey,

I was just stabbed by a mage. He is saying it was your idea. Is there a reason I should believe him and not make him tranquil on the spot?

Greetings,

Ser Carol

* * *

Carol,

Yes. I'll eat you.

Urthemiel

* * *

Carol,

Yes. The Dragon will eat you and I'll plant evidence that you had an affair with the Knight-Commander, the Knight-Captain and the Revered Mother. Stop stalking the kid, you freak.

Totally amazed you can write, by the way.

Commander Aedan Cousland of the Grey

**xxxXXXxxx**

Urthemiel,

I haven't managed to turn my son. How did you turn the Warden to your side?

Anonymous

* * *

We all know who you are, sir,

Remind him his followers are walking teddy bears and that your side is slightly dignified in comparison.

Get rid of the waste disposal system. He might fall in again.

Urthemiel

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Commander,

I realize I was somewhat of a… well, shrew the last time we talked properly. The battle doesn't count. So I am here to apologize for that. While I'm at it, I have this small issue. In case you forgot, your pal the King, made me the Bann of the Alienage. While that is a good thing, it's always good to be able to rule my life without worrying one of you she— one of your people comes knocking.

Now.

Your little darkspawn have pretty much razed our homes just before I was made a Bann. I say that was still done during your administration. With that in mind, I'd love if you stopped chatting up that dragon (the one who tried killing us, remember?) and actually came by to help out.

Bann Shianni

Shianni, Bann(?)

Shianni, The Bann(?)

Ah, Fade to this!

Shianni

* * *

Bann,

I honestly am baffled by the way you still try to make the Warden do anything. Not to brag or anything, but he did kill me. Isn't that enough for you, petty worms? How many more dragons does he have to try and kill? How many more little boys and girls does he have to babysit? How many more times are you going to grovel before the most efficient of your kind before you realize he's just somewhat good at poking people with pointy objects? If I wasn't a God, I would be praying for your souls right now. As I am one, I am praying you continue as you are. It does make Blights easy to prepare.

Truly. Leaving us in the Deep Roads by ourselves producing darkspawn to attack you with. Stuff of genius.

Your Lord and Master

**xxxXXXxxx**

_You know, dragon? If I read that sideways, upside down and then stretch it from the moon to Thedas before shaking it while dancing the Macarena it kinda sort might look like a compliment._

_Eh. I'm in a good mood._

**xxxXXXxxx**

Dear Aedan,

So there's where you've been hiding! I have been searching for you for ages now! Didn't you hear? Cassandra told me she sent letters pretty much everywhere saying this. And every time we seemed to get close, you disappeared! You and Hawke, of course. I didn't have the courage to tell her friends that her exploits weren't that amazing in comparison to yours, my dear friend! It's not like they had a giant draconic God to battle! Did I tell you that I did write that Ode to you? Maker above, it sounds lovely. At least that's what everyone said after I sang it in Celene's court (who sends her regards) and to the First Warden (who says you need to stop messing up something called the chain of command). Did I tell you Wynne is working with Tevinter now? I was assured she managed to turn Shale into her old self (she is so cute! I met her in Kirkwall, such a nice girl. Well, for Shale, I mean. She's still a little angry and someone thought she would love a new axe – I think it was Oghren! I should warn his wife, shouldn't I? Felsi's such a nice woman, she doesn't deserve him looking at others. And oh, their child is so cute! Maker, I bought her these little shoes in Orlais and—

* * *

_BY THE LOVE OF THE MAKER, MAKE HER STOP. BELOVED ANDRASTE IN THE FADE, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. ENOUGH. KILL IT. KILL IT WITH FIRE. WHY SO MUCH TALKING WHY SO MUCH USELESS STUFF WHY OH MAKER WHY._

_Your weakness is a redheaded woman with the brains of a pea._

_I might have been going overboard with the dramatics. But the woman is flipping annoying! Maker above, I wished I hadn't killed that chick who wanted to off her. At least it'd keep her busy and off my back._

_You mean off your pants._

_I like my virtue where it is._

_You mean in the mage's purse._

_Can't you shut up?_

* * *

Dear Leliana,

You have attempted to reach our Arl and Commander Aedan Cousland. He wishes for it to be known he is currently dead or dying and cannot and will not bother replying to this because he is busy with things. I am sure you will be proud that you are currently the only letter for wish he has no inclination to send an insult to. Do remember that we have received letters from Lady Meredith, Isolde and Rendon Howe and please, do not write again. He reached decibels high enough to break most windows.

Respectfully,

The Secretary

P.S. - Dear Miss Leliana, I don't want you as my daughter. Respectfully, Teyrna Eleanor Cousland.

**xxxXXXxxx**

_The writers of this line wish also for it to be known that the secretary will not be allowed to add her contribution ever again because we do not need sass from someone who has yet to bring us our tea._

* * *

_As always, we thank our commentators and apologize for the incredibly delay in getting anything out in this line. We do hope you have managed to snicker at any point (though our Lord and Dragon does comment he does include you in the 'humanity' and 'petty humans' category). We thank Enaid once more. Your Highest Priestess is responsible by the inclusion of Amelia. Myrkul has been invited thanks to Peres and_ _kawaiimiku_ _is to be blamed by Carol's presence._


End file.
